


Life & Style: Inside The Avengers' Twisted World

by nottonyharrison



Series: MediAvengers [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: MediAvengers, Media Parody, Multi, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 19:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1359172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nottonyharrison/pseuds/nottonyharrison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anonymous sources! Eyewitness reports! Conveniently timed paparazzi snaps!</p><p>Debauchery in the tower, quick someone send the morality police. Nevermind the fact that this group of people has ever only really been together in the same place at the same time all of about oh... once?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life & Style: Inside The Avengers' Twisted World

**Author's Note:**

> This is truly horrendous tabloid dross - consider that a pre warning. Also, you're lucky I managed to make this one, I nearly died laughing while putting together the copy. **Transcript below images**

  


_**SUPERHERO DISGRACE! AVENGERS' TWISTED WORLD** _

**Avengers tower insiders lift the lid on a world of wild parties, kinky games, and partner swapping**

 

Captain America is under fire, along with his fellow Avengers teammates, after an Avengers Tower insider revealed that the group of heroes - with the exception of notorious party animal Tony Stark - isn’t as wholesome as the world has been led to believe.

“The whole top of the tower is a den of iniquity when they're off duty,” the source says. “Honestly, pornographers would blush at what goes on in there.” The insider goes on to claim that the previously reformed Stark has been unfaithful to fiancee Virginia 'Pepper' Potts multiple times, sometimes even with fellow teammates! “Not that it really matters, seeing as Pepper's just as bad. All the guys have agreed to stay unshaven for her, because she likes beards.”

Tony 'Iron Man' Stark has been sporting his goatee for well over a decade, and Cap's facial fuzz has been on and off for a while now. “Cap spends an awful lot of time in the penthouse, and when he's out and about he's always looking awfully smug.”

 

_**INSET TEXT:** _

_KINKY CAPTAIN: Cap's into some really weird stuff, but the rest of the team's cool with it. Some of them even help him out when he's lonely or between missions._

_OPEN BUT COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP: More than one person close to the two non-powered Avengers claim the on-off couple already have a child together_

_SWINGS BOTH WAYS:  Despite attempts to keep the details hush-hush, former colleagues claim only being able to remember Hawkeye falling for men during his time in the circus. "Widow is his first and only lady love," says a former trapeze artist. "In all my time working with that man, I remember two things about him - one was that I wasn't afraid to be the eye candy with the apple on my head, and two is that I never once recall him flaunting a woman around whatever town we'd rolled up in."_

 

**EXHIBITIONISM AND EXCESS**

Another source claims the group regularly engages in inappropriate activity when in the common areas of the tower. “I was in the main foyer one day, and Hawkeye ran in through the front doors, he had Black Widow over his shoulder, with one hand on her butt, and the other groping at her [breasts].” Apparently half of New York nearly got an eyeful of their amorous shenanigans, when the elevator door jammed open on Hawkeye's quiver. “The reception staff looked worried that we were going to see a quiver of a different variety for a moment!”

Hawkeye is also reported to have developed a close relationship with Captain America, with one insider saying that Black Widow is becoming more and more jealous of their friendship. “Widow wants to be BFFs with both of them, but she doesn't want them to be BFFs with each other.” The source goes on to say that Black Widow has formed a close friendship with a heavily pregnant scientist at Stark Industries, in an attempt to make both Cap and Hawkeye jealous. “She's had both of them wrapped around her little finger, and she thinks that making them jealous will force them to prove their loyalty to her. It's obvious there's something more going on between the three of them besides just friendship, though.”

“Cap and Hawkeye have an awful lot of dirty inside jokes. It's like everything that they talk about is laced with some serious innuendo.”

 

_**INSET TEXT:** _

 

_MORE THAN JUST A BROMANCE: Cap and Hawkeye have been spending more and more time together recently, leading to rumors that the two aren’t just a fleeting hook-up to kill some time between alien invasions. Eyewitness reports have the pair continually seeking each other out after incidents. One group of students at NYU also claims to have seen them holding hands after a skirmish on campus!_

_STRUGGLING TO COPE: “Pepper’s really struggling to juggle her duty as CEO of Stark Industries, along with her relationship with Tony. They’re at breaking point, and she’s trying to find a way to fix their issues.”_

_SPY FEUD:_ _According to S.H.I.E.L.D. sources, Hawkeye and Widow have been feuding on and off for months, sometimes even refusing to help one another during missions. Some insiders claim they’re fighting over Cap, others say it’s an ongoing game between the two_

_SECRET HOOK UPS: Cap and Widow have been spotted multiple times without their fellow team members, whispering secretively over coffee and donuts._

_PEPPER’S NEW MAN (MONSTER?): She’s trying to work things out with Tony, but has she already moved on with Hulk’s reported alter ego, Bruce Banner? Reports of Stark giving the cold shoulder to his science buddy suggest there may be more going on than just friendship_

 

**KINKY CAP**

Not only does Cap appear to be pursuing a romance with both Black Widow, and Hawkeye, but he's reportedly been seen in compromising situations with everyone's favorite power couple! Tony Stark and Pepper Potts have been seen sneaking around with the symbol of American strength, with some saying that they're helping catch the good captain up on more than just pop-culture references!

“Everyone saw Tony and Pepper were whispering and staring heatedly at Captain Rogers at that press conference last week, and afterward their limo went back to Cap's apartment in DC and didn't leave until the next morning,” a White House insider says. “Add to that he was spotted in the bathroom at the White House with what looked like a pretty out there sex toy, and I think the writing's on the wall.”

 

**OUT OF CONTROL IN THE PENTHOUSE**

All this debauchery must be putting a dent in the Stark household's personal finances. The area around Avengers Tower is becoming known as a spot to avoid, if you're not wearing suitable protection, with an almost continual rain of debris falling on the surrounding streets.

While some have speculated that the flotsam and jetsam flying from the tower is the result of The Hulk having a tantrum, others allege the wild parties being held at the top of the tower are to blame.

“You can hear the music from neighboring buildings!” says one witness. “That shouldn't be possible, considering how tall that tower is, but I've experienced it first-hand.”

Whatever the cause of all the destruction, one thing's for certain – Tony Stark is well known for hosting out of control events, and it's no different now that he has a group of super friends to play with!

“You might think Pepper would act as the hand-brake, but she's totally encouraging them. I think the stress of running a fortune 500 company is getting to her, and she's looking for an interesting way to blow off some steam!” _\--L &S_

 

 


End file.
